“Paintball”

“So what’s the plan? We do have a plan, right?”

“Yes, Greg, we have a plan. Cool your jets, I’ve done this a hundred times. It’ll be cake.”

“Sorry. Can’t blame me for being a little nervous my first time. Tell me the plan, the buzzer’s gonna sound any minute.”

“Okay, the field is set up like an obstacle course, with the other teams starting on that end. All we have to do is shoot them before they shoot us.

“I am never going to get used to you saying that.”

“Pansy. Alright, see that stack of tires over there? I want you to duck behind it and cover me while I make for that pile of old car parts. Then I’ll cover you while you make a dash to the ditch. Don’t let them see you! You should be able to follow that down to a grove of trees at the edge of the course. Once you’re in position, I’ll draw them out and you can snipe ‘em! Easy as pie. Just make sure you watch your back or they’ll sneak up and shoot you in the skull.”

“I thought that was against the rules!”

“Yeah, well, these guys like to play rough. Don’t be such a wuss, it’s not like they’re shooting you in the face. Just keep you head down. Oh, on that note, put this stuff in your hair.”

“What… is this grease? I am not putting grease in my hair!”

“You will if you want any hope of not being seen five minutes in. That burning bush on your head could be spotted a mile away.”

“Excuse me for not being blessed with naturally dirt-colored hair! Do you have any freaking idea how long that would take to wash out?!”

“You are such a wuss! Just do it already. You’re the one who wanted to play in the big leagues.”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Awesome. Channel that anger towards the enemy and we’re sure to win.”

“You stole that from a bad Japanese movie.”

“Shut up, I think— There’s the buzzer! Let’s move!”

“This plan better work—”

“It’ll work, okay? Now get to your position! And remember the plan!”

“But what—oh, wonderful, and he’s gone. That jerk. Why the crap did I agree to do this—good gravy, that guy has a freakin’ AK-47! KURT, YOU DID NOT SAY THEY HAD HEAVY ARTILLERY IN THIS THING!”

“SHUT UP, GREG, YOU’RE GIVING YOUR POSITION AWAY!”

“I AM GOING TO DIE!”

“STOP YELLING AND—HOLY CRAP, SHOOT! SHOOT, YOU MORON, BEFORE HE SHOOTS YOU!”

“AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!”

Ow, owowowSTOP IT!!! Holy freaking crap, man, I’m out, already! Sheesh, I thought you were the new guy. Point that thing somewhere else, I’m going!”

“…Right…right…and…let that…be a lesson to you… Holy crap, I’m gonna have a heart attack…”

“GREG, ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?”

“BARELY, I HIT HIM LIKE EIGHT TIMES AND HE’S OUT BUT THERE’S MORE COMING AND I DON’T THINK THE PLAN IS GONNA WORK, KURT!”

“HOLD ‘EM OFF, MAN, I’M COMIN’ FOR YA!”

Come and get it, you jerkwads!!!

 

———

 

“That was amazing.”

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously, man. I have never seen anything like that in my entire life.”

“Shut up and quit mocking me.”

“I’m not mocking you! You were like a one-man army out there! I’ve never seen anyone take that many guys out himself in a single paintball match. Man, I can’t wait ‘til next time, we’re so gonna own—

“Kurt?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut. Up.”

(A/N: It’s not really an April Fools joke, but I’ve been waffling on whether or not to post this one since it’s a little harder to follow. Slap some colored text on there and here we have it: a derpy little story for a derpy day. XD Happy April Fools Day, everybody!)

(You can read all of my posted short stories by clicking “Writing Shorts” in the top Menu. Thanks for reading!)

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